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Group Tam: Attorneys at Law

January 29, 2011

Us in Group Tam are no strangers to lawsuits. We are still dealing with several at the moment, largely from the fallout from Insane Daddies. Now, to deal with this, you need a crack team of laywers: suit wearing, briefcase-carrying types. We knew that, because of The Man’s constant attempts to downsize our operations, there was no way we could trust just any old lawyer of the street. So we bred our own, in a laboratory in our secret base.

Since our lawsuits have lessened over the last few months, we realise it’s time that the lawyers start paying for themselves. It’s like when poor families force their children to work down a mine so they can afford to buy food and clothes. But in our operation, everyone has better teeth.

And so, we have decided to open our own lawyer service, known as ‘Keichy, Rowler and Reidical: Law Men!’

We are the best in the business, because we know all the laws, and also a lot about reliable alibis. But don’t just take out word for it. Her are some testimonials from our satisfied customers:

Mr S. Snake: ‘I was about to be sued by someone because I  – allegedly – snuck into his house and stole his child. I contacted Keichy, Rowler and Reidical, and, by sheer coincidence alone, the guy suing me was fed into a wood-chipper in his back garden, like Steve Buscemi in Fargo.’

Lord T. McGill: ‘There was a small matter of an unpaid parking ticket I had. I had left my car on top of a nun, totally by accident, but I was still heading for a life-sentence. Luckily, I hired Keichy, Rowler and Reidcal, and all the witnesses were that week fed into a wood-chipper like Steve Buscemi in Fargo.’

Mrs Z. Zedery: ‘My husband was about to leave me for a younger woman, so i contacted Keichy, Rowler and Reidical, and they told me my case was too difficult, then told me to stay away from the windows for a few minutes. After the screaming stopped, I found that my husband had been fed into a wood-chipper like Steve Buscemi in Fargo. Also, the woman he was about to leave me for was also found after being fed through a wood-chipper like Steve Buscemi in Fargo. I contacted the police about it, and a wood-chipper has turned up in my back garden. I am currently being led towards it by three men. Very efficient service!’

As you can see from these satisfied customers, Keichy, Rowler and Reidical are the best law men in the business. We deal on coincidence alone, and have never been tied to the scene of the crime!

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Enter the Tam.

January 23, 2011

We’ve travelled from Myspace to Blogger, and now we rest on the lands of WordPress. We are glad you have joined us on this epic journey. As you may, or may not know, we are Group Tam, emperors of music and innuendo enthusiasts.

We tend to use this to voice our plans, threats, opinions and cookery ideologies.

Although you may find these extreme, and at times, distressing, do not fear – for Group Tam also offer counselling, through the Group Tam Foundation for the Repair and Maintenance of the Emotionally Awestruck (GTFRMEA). Click on the link for further information regarding your welfare.

We see ourselves as imaginariasts and dictionary deniers. We are not limited by the boundaries of taste, the English language (or any dialect, for that matter), musical conventions, fences, lines of stones on the ground marked by farmers detailing where his and your land begins and ends – these kind of inane boundaries are whimsical, fallacious and monstrous at best. At worst, they are poor ideas thought of by ‘The Man’ – for more information on where we stand and how you too can conquer The Man, seek advice from the Group Tam Foundation for the Ethical Removal and Silencing of The Man (GTFERSTM).

We view this also as a platform, not just for hilarity and punsmanship (see Article 4.7 of the Group Tam Foundation for the Use of Exquisite and Masterful Punnery and The Preservation of the Art and Craft of Punmanship and the Old Tongue (GTFUEMPTPACPOT)), but as a platform to return the fire and hatred of our greatest enemy, James Tanner. For more information on the war with Tanner, and how to donate your time, money and family members to our great cause, seek the wisdom of the Group Tam Foundation for the Sustained War Effort Against the Evils of the Tanner Empire and All Those Who Stand With It And the Protection of All Those Who Align Themselves With Group Tam (GTFSWEAETEATWSWIAPATWTWGT). Although the reasoning behind this battle have been lost in time, we believe in the ideals in which we are fighting for – totalitarianism and justice.

One final point – if you do not agree that all these foundations are worthwhile, then can we urge you to rapidly consult the Group Tam Foundation for the Preservation of Group Tam Foundations Which Wholly Represent Such Wide Ranging and Thoughtful Subjects Such As the Maintenance of the Emotionally Awestruck, the Removal and Silencing of The Man, the Art of Punnery and Punmanship, and the Glorious War Versus the Enemy James Tanner As Well As Cookery, Skateboarding, Flanannering, Misantrophy, Synecdochial Harvesting and Book Clubs (GTFWWRSWRTSSAMEARSTMAPPGWVEJTCSFMSHBC).

You’re welcome for your time. If you would like to join the fanclub or apply for a scholarship in the Group Tam Academy of Punnery and Punmanship, or to join any of the above foundations please send a curriculum vitae and cover letter to the Group Tam Foundation for Applying to Any One of the Group Tam Foundations or the Academy of Punnery and Punmanship (GTFAAOGTFAPP), or leave a comment below.

Looking forward to hearing from you.

Especially you.

Tam, out.